ADHD Gaslighting: When People Tell You It’s Not Real
Living with ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) can feel like attempting a marathon in a swirling windstorm. The challenges are real, often overwhelming, and for many of us, the condition can feel as natural as breathing. Yet, despite its very real impacts on daily life, individuals with ADHD often find themselves facing gaslighting – being gaslit by those around them when they express their struggles. Whether it’s a family member dismissing your experiences or a GP waving away your concerns, such dismissiveness can erode our sense of self-worth and exacerbate the very symptoms we’re trying to manage.
"It's Just an Excuse"
One of the most common forms of gaslighting experienced by those with ADHD is the invalidation of their condition as an “excuse”. It’s an infuriating label, often thrown around by well-meaning friends, family members, or colleagues who fail to understand the complexities of ADHD.
Russell Barkley, a leading clinical professor of psychiatry and widely regarded expert on ADHD, argues that ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that can impact executive functions, emotional regulation, and impulse control. When you hear, “You’re just using ADHD as an excuse for not doing your chores”, it diminishes the significant effort you put into managing your daily responsibilities, often exacerbated by the symptoms of the disorder.
Sometimes, these remarks come from people close to us who should understand. Take, for example, a family member who's convinced that you are just "lacking motivation.” This could lead to hurtful comments or comparisons with others, reinforcing a narrative that undermines your reality.
Family Members Who Don’t Believe
Family dynamics can complicate the acceptance of ADHD, especially when it affects a child or sibling. In many cases, family members may struggle to comprehend the full implications of ADHD, leading to dismissiveness. Ned Hallowell, renowned psychiatrist and co-author of Driven to Distraction, repeatedly emphasises that ADHD is not a character flaw but rather a neurological condition that requires support and understanding.
When a relative says, “Stop making excuses, just try harder,” it can trigger feelings of isolation and frustration. If your family misunderstands the disorder, it not only affects your mental health but can also create rifts in relationships. Parents may lament, “I did everything right; how can this be?” It’s essential to educate our families about ADHD through engaging discussions and resources, fostering empathy rather than stigma.
Dismissive GPs: "It's Just a Phase"
It's not uncommon for individuals seeking help to encounter GPs or mental health professionals who trivialise or dismiss their ADHD symptoms. This can be particularly distressing when you're bracing yourself to share how you've been struggling. Instead of receiving support, you may leave an appointment feeling even more invalidated.
A 2016 study by the BMC Psychiatry highlighted that many adults with ADHD experience significant delays in receiving their diagnosis, partially due to dismissive attitudes from healthcare providers. When your GP brushes off your concerns with phrases like “You’ll grow out of it” or “Maybe you should just focus harder”, it can feel as if your lived experience is being completely disregarded.
How to Respond
If you find yourself on the receiving end of gaslighting regarding your ADHD, it’s vital to equip yourself with strategies to navigate these challenging discussions.
1. Educate Yourself: Knowledge is essential. Learn about ADHD and its effects. Familiarise yourself with reputable sources like the NHS, CHADD (Children and Adults with ADHD) or the work of experts like Gabor Maté. This knowledge allows you to engage in informed discussions and articulate your needs confidently.
2. Communicate Clearly: Sometimes, people don’t realise the impact of their comments. When faced with dismissiveness, explain how ADHD affects your life and decision-making. A simple statement like, “I understand you may not see its impact, but ADHD is a real disorder that affects every part of my life,” might open their eyes a little wider.
3. Seek Understanding: Instead of being defensive, ask for support. “I really need your understanding right now” can transform the dialogue from conflict to one of compassion. This approach can encourage a more productive conversation rather than a hostile debate.
4. Join a Support Group: Whether online or in person, connecting with others who share similar experiences can provide solace and affirmation. Understanding that you’re not alone can help fortify your self-esteem against external gaslighting.
5. Advocate for Yourself: If a GP dismisses your concerns, don’t hesitate to seek a second opinion. You deserve to have your experiences validated and ought to be treated with respect. Remember that your perspective is valid, regardless of how others perceive it.
Conclusion
ADHD gaslighting is a deeply personal struggle, often leaving those affected feeling misunderstood and isolated. Remember, your experiences are valid, and seeking understanding and support is vital to combating the dismissive attitudes you may encounter. With education and communication, we can navigate these challenges, affirm our realities and foster more understanding in our communities. Your journey with ADHD is real, and it's okay to seek the recognition and support you deserve.
